The joy's of laughter

"What monstrous absurdities and paradoxes have resisted whole batteries of serious arguments, and then crumbled swiftly into dust before the ringing death-knell of a laugh!"

-Agnes Repplier

Laughter is my shield.
Laughter is the pillow that soaks up my tears when i cry myself to sleep.
Laughter is my knight in shinning armor.
Laughter keeps me warm when I'm cold and alone.
Laughter disguises the tears in my eyes as tears of joy.
Laughter gives the appearance of keeping me sane...
But I laugh at the fact that I'm loosing my mind with each and everyday.

Everyone needs some sort of coping mechanism. Well not everyone I guess. The world is not as unstable as I. For example: Those people who function on a daily basis and are able to be content and satisfied with themselves and their insignificant existences... how do they manage?

It's inconceivable that not everyone has to wake up every morning and convince themselves to wake up and go on with their day... live their lives. That, for some reason it's barely a struggle, let alone a war between body and mind to get up out of bed and live alongside the rest of the world. To look a stranger in the eye and exchange looks, gestures and words because basic forms of human interaction are considered part of the norm.

Why live among people who have no value or use to you? Why tolerate people interloping, judging and analyzing your way of living? The delusional part of me believes that I may just be the one who is indeed "normal." I see life the way it's meant to be seen. I know we only live to die. I refuse to live my life in any sort of way that is expected of me.

Laughter is my shield.
Laughter is the pillow that soaks up my tears when i cry myself to sleep.
Laughter is my knight in shinning armor.
Laughter keeps me warm when I'm cold and alone.
Laughter disguises the tear in my eyes as tears of joy.
Laughter gives the appearance of keeping me sane...
But I laugh at the fact that I'm loosing my mind with each and everyday.

Despite it all I'd rather just laugh.

Solace

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."

- Orson Welles


Everyone would like to feel as though they belong.
The thing I detest most is being on my own.

Left out in the winter cold,
No one to keep me warm...

I can always count on the comfort of my home.
I always feel needed when in the presence of family.
And when we are separated I feel their absence profoundly.

I remember the first time I felt disconnected and alone.
No one to love, Nowhere to go.
Left to roam the streets on my own.
Burned by the glare of stranger; peering into my soul.
Bruised by the wrath of their stick and stones.

I remember the pain, as if it were yesterday.
My knees were torn, somewhere between kneeling and standing strong.
Without anyone to influence me, everything I say and do is wrong.
My vocabulary is limited, my thoughts can't be translated into words.
My tongue is tied, my guard is down.

I remember feeling defenseless,
I remember being alone.

The Perfect Vision

"The quivering, ardent sunlight showed him the lines of cruelty round the mouth as clearly as if he had been looking into a mirror after he had done some dreadful thing."

- Oscar Wilde (The Picture of Dorian Gray)

My body feels weak; my head is pounding. Beside me my alarm clock is ringing. I want it to stop! I have the ability to make it end but instead i clench my eyes shut and try to block out the noise. It doesn't work. So i jump out of my bed and violently pull the alarm out by it's plug. I turn to face my empty bed and try to remember the last time i woke up to a warm body next to me. Thinking of my failed marriage only worsens my mood.

I step out into the hallway and make my way towards the washroom. Once I'm inside I glance out the window. It's still dark outside; it must be pretty early. I strip down until I'm nothing but skin and flesh. Instead of stepping into the shower, I turn to face myself in the full length mirror. My ankles are too thin, my calves need more definition, my knees are too knobby, my thighs rub against each other, my stomach is marked by motherhood, my breast sag and my posture is horrible. I'm disgusted with myself. Lost hopes and dreams thrown away is what i see when i stare into my dull, bloodshot eyes.

I spit onto the mirror and onto the face of my enemy. She looks as angry as i feel; but when she laughs, i laugh. "What's so funny?" I hiss at my reflection. Seconds of silence go by as i await an answer and when i receive none I take a step closer to the mirror. I remember a time when I was desirable. I trace the lips on the mirror with my finger, then place my lips on the spot where my fingers had just lingered. It feels cold; I wonder if this is what my husband felt when he would kiss me. Is that why he's so disconnected? I stare down my reflection while pondering this thought,and continue to focus my attention on the lips. They smile; the creature in the mirror is smiling as if mocking my failures and troubles. "Why smile when your life is in shambles?" Once again i receive no answer.

I close my eyes, wanting this image of my failure to disappear. But as soon as my eyelids are open, I'm once again confronted with myself. I HATE MYSELF! without even realizing it I throw my body towards the mirror and start swinging my arms. Hysterically I scream and I cry. Sharp incisions cause me pain, as warm liquid is released from inside me. I look down upon my fat self and see red, blood red, I look into my reflection to confirm my sight. My inside have taken over my body.

Today was supposed to be just another day; but maybe it's supposed to be the last day? I'm weak and my head is pounding. I visualize my success; I'm nearly complete. The mortality has spread and now I'm left for dead.

Overcoming the Deceit

If I can't trust you...
If I can't believe in what you stand for,
If i can't comprehend the meaning behind your words...
You CANNOT, WILL NOT be a part of my life.

My existence is based on the truth,
With the exception of that period i called my youth.
I'm over your delusional games.
I refuse to have my name tangled in your web of lies.
I'd rather crawl into a ditch and wait for my demise.
Confrontation is useless when it involves the people you despise.

YOU FUCKING SUCK!
HOW DARE YOU USE ME?

A womans intuition never lies.

Those that i love, I never disown.
But you've lost your place.
You no longer belong.
My gates are closed to you.

Impenetrable my impressions will be.
They'll depend solely on me.
Based on my instincts.
None of which you'll be able to deceive.

Fuck your existence...
It will never again affect my being me.
When it comes to you and what you believe.
My thoughts will over-power yours...
And i will succeed!